I’m often asked to talk about relationships, do classes about it, videos about it, write about it. Which I find extremely hilarious as relationships is something that I have always thought I’m the most wrong at. Probably most wrong in the whole universe.

Growing up I had very little interest in relationships (any kind). In general people were never much of my thing. I absolutely enjoy spending time with great people, yet if there are no people like that around, I’m totally happy and comfortable being on my own. Sort of. There’s always been an invisible world that I play with, that most people don’t seem to see, yet it’s there anyways. But that’s another story.

I never spent much time trying to create relationships, to the point where I was often told that I’m cold, ice queen, wrong, broken, autistic, whatever. Some of my friends had the point of view that I should learn to do it. Learn to do something that I’m not interested in.

I kept looking at if I’m wrong, or if I’m actually very right, going between those two opposites. Basically creating a trap of two options for myself, neither of which actually included me.

For a while I had a point of view that since I’ve never seen a relationship that actually works, I’m not going to choose it. To me it seemed that most people just constantly use other people to limit themselves, blame for their problems, for things they themselves were not willing to change or choose. It’s great to push the source of your life outside of you.

Since I had no interested in that, I just shrugged all relationships off into a distant universe. However this was just my attempt to avoid feeling so wrong.

Sometimes relationships would come to haunt me, especially in moments when I was about to choose something way greater than ever before. But maybe you shouldn’t, maybe you can’t, because remember, you don’t have a relationship! You’re wrong. You can’t be great because you don’t have this part of reality.

Only recently I have come to some sort of peace with this. Peace comes from awareness. And the awareness that I have started to allow myself to have, after I stopped blaming myself for being wrong (and right in being wrong), is that I have an awareness of something different being possible. I’m not totally sure what that is or how it will look like, but I know there is something. I’m not sure if it’s even possible yet, I know though that it will be at some point. And I will keep going that way, I will keep asking for it, and I will keep receiving.

What are you aware of as a possible future that you keep negating with trying to be normal and like everyone else? What if you didn’t have to fit in? What if you allowed yourself the possibility of not having something if you can’t have it as great as you know it can be?

It’s like if you have dirty clothes and you want to wash them, but there is no washing machine available, do you then take those clothes and drag them through more mud? Or do you put them aside to wait until you can wash them?

In what areas of your life are you making yourself most wrong? What if instead you started asking what beyond this reality awareness do I have here that I’m trying to avoid?