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Allergic to Life

I used to be allergic to pretty much everything. I ate allergy medicines (yes, not just one but many) basically year round. When I was born, I was completely fine but after just a few months I developed a horrible rash EVERYWHERE. After loads of testing and time spent in hospitals it turned out that I was allergic to all animals, pollen, plants, dust, most foods… 
 
During high school, I was also constantly on antibiotics and other medicines like that. Fighting an infection. Against what?
 
Against this world, against being here, against me. I didn’t wan to be here nor receive any aspect of this world. I just had decided that it is not worth to live on a planet like this, with people like this. I though that this world was just so horrible that I don’t want to be here. 
 
How many times I wrote down in my notebook questions like “Why am I here?” ”How to live?” ” How to be a human being?”  “What am I doing wrong?” “When will this get easier?” “When can I start living?” And how many times I wanted to quit this all. To get completely out of this world, and out of this body. Only reason I stayed here was that I knew how much it would hurt and create suffering to people around me. But I was not living for myself.
 
And I was not willing to receive this world.
 
Then I happened to come across Access Consciousness, and boom! Everything started to make sense finally! And Access is one of the wackiest, wildest, most not-making-any-sense -thing ever! But that was exactly what I required. With Access tools I started asking questions and chose to look at this all with brutal honesty. I was so done with it all. Not just with my allergies and infections and pains, but with my whole life.
 
Many things started changing, and then suddenly I was offered a “perfect apartment” –  but it came with animals. It was just so perfect in all other ways that I decided that now is the time for allergies to go. I had been letting go of so many limitations that I just did not want to hold on to this one either. It really happened just in a blink of an eye, though I know that working through other limitations also made it easier.
 
My allergies had a lot to do with hiding, not showing up, not wanting to live in a world like this, and not receiving from anyone. I was trying to control pretty much everything, determining what is right and what is wrong. Although I never seemed to get that right. 
 
When I made the demand to stop hiding myself, to SHOW UP in my own life, as myself, no matter what that looks like and let go of excuses, everything started to work out and I didn’t hurt anymore. My pains and my problems started to dissolve. I also needed to take a look at am I willing to be here, on this planet. Am I willing to be alive?
 
Some great questions I used: allergies

What is this? 

What am I unwilling to receive here? 

What is really going on? 

What am I avoiding?

What is the value of limiting myself in this way? 

How do I benefit from these limitations?

Whose point of view am I buying?

Do I actually desire to be alive? 
 
Who am I without all that used to define me so much? After basically building my identity on allergies, pain and suffering.

If I could be anything.. ? 
 
Imagine how much space it creates when such a big, defining part of you just drops out. It can be sort of scary as well, but at the same time so exciting! How much more is possible now?

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